The Whole Year Inn

  Letter to Taylor I know you. I know that you feel like nobody in the world understands you or loves you. You are wrong. I know you and I know the way it feels to not believe that you have a reason to value the life you have or the decisions you make throughout the day. I know you have already been in some trouble, but believe there are consequences to choices you are making every day that reach far into the future you may not even be able to conceive of. There is value in your experiences and you have a story ahead of you that will be worth telling. But you don’t understand the merit and the importance of thinking about where the trail you choose to walk on is going to lead. You are arrogant. You can have a healthy distrust of authority but don’t fall into the trap of ignorance baited with contempt prior to investigation. Be sure that the people you follow are worth learning from and modeling yourself after. Make sure that they have authenticity and do things in the world t...

  It seems crazy to me how much the world has changed since I was last paying attention. I’m almost afraid to blink after noticing how much the speed of things has picked up since I’ve been napping. I open my eyes and I feel like I’m in some caricature world with jokes filling in the spaces of what used to be boring or misunderstood aspects of my reality like who is filling the seats of power in our world, or what the role of technology is currently. I recently was given an offer of a job doing some of the mundane nudging and finessing of the large language model outputs for Chat GPT. I guess I should try to do my part if there is anything I can do to help shape the evolution of the species that is to replace our role as the apex predator on top of the pecking order here on earth. I don’t really know how I feel about artificial intelligence. Does anyone else feel like it is being pushed on us pretty strong? I don’t like how strong the injection is into the technological water in ...

  At 47 years of Age, I find a lot of things in my life feel like I'm treading in stagnant water. I haven't exactly made a lot of progress on the goals other people have set for me. I have to be conscious of the present moment with intention or I'll find myself buying a new calendar every time I look at the date. My parents are a decade older than they should be by my count. Maybe it's a result of the drugs, or maybe it's just part of getting old. Maybe it's just part of watching TV instead of living with intention and getting to know the intersections of the amazing people I get to meet if I stick my head out once in awhile to see what's going on.  So I'm getting myself together again. Or maybe it's more like getting rid of some self. I have been in places like this before, so I get tempted to skip ahead and know shit. I want to get right back to where things start to fall back on ego and separation from the parts of life I find the most value, grow...

Well, It’s finally here, dear reader. The next Tittilating tid-bit from the ever exciting and enlightening existence of your favorite blogger. Welcome to the Taylor Show. I never believed in ghosts. I was always sure that what I didn’t believe would never jump out and haunt me with love or pride… And I never thought it would be Megan who would turn me into goosebumps and jello old man brain with smiling fear and what love turned out to be in this weird show. What a long, strange , short , beautiful trip it’s been. And why am I so graced to have her sticking around to watch my back and make sure I don’t shoot myself in the arm over the girl of the decade and the latest horror show of regret and bad decisions. I wonder what happened to fritz  And June Cleaver… Dave Haarhoff is dead. And David Scheidt, and Reuben, and most of the gang. Kurt. How am I the one still here? I’m not going to question it. Even though I just did. I live across the street from the Idanha, and the Langroice Bu...

I was put in a position recently where I got the opportunity to  finish something I started twenty-seven years ago. Once I really got into the work, something interesting happened.  I woke up and realized I’m a 46 year old man, and I have been walking in place for a very long time. Treading water. I’m not sure what to make of all that time. Where the idea had been to escape something difficult and unnecessary, I found myself up against a wall that was between a boulder and a hard place.  There is a rate of interest on an investment in arrogance. And boy does it  pay dividends in pain and wreckage.  As the years pile up, there seems no avoidance of circles coming full. I spent a lot of money on tattoos and stickers that don’t mean as much as the gray hairs and lines on my face. Funny how you can’t fake that. And maybe how you can’t read it without learning the language in lifes’ calligraphy.  Not a lot of things in this world are done in a straight line. And...

  I caught a glimpse of you in one of the dozens of empty journals lying around here. They are empty whether they have any of my scribbling in them or not. But lately, since you,.., haunting    forever residence in my loft, in my bed, in my heart and in my lot here in life…. I see what haunting really is. What hurting really was. And I see pictures you left for me. Pics you took for me. Not for the other guys you were keeping in love with you. I am an expert in not being in love with. And I know you actually had some kind of demented, toxic love for me that I was too   busy noticing someone who never came close to having the kind of understanding, the kind of similar little mind ruled by a silly heart that could never really function in this world… Unless we lived and found an audience. A reader out there who knows what it felt to get those first goosebumps and the first real butterflies I had felt in maybe decades…. Only to turn around and see the girl that th...

The one you feel like you can't breathe without..  She's the one who kills you.  -Buk (I can't believe I took that!) 

Texts I almost sent. #29 It's just been a long time since I was even looking for a fellow traveler that might recognize The art on my wall. Or to both name the same  song at the same moment when asked what our favorite was.  Goosebumps. sustained silence eye to eye I don't know what she is, but I know we are ours. There are still those questions....   When she leaves... And the sun creeps around the fact that it's too late... To make that girl remember him at 1

August in Bellevue Idaho during the 1980s had the bluest skies I can remember. The sky was always a bit smaller than the places I live now, but on one particular day it was only directly above. The world around me that day was only soft dirt walls around me and there was a soupy cold mud soaking through my baseball uniform and congealing around my tightening skin.   My skin has never fit me well. But that day was when it was confirmed that it didn’t belong to me. I was not the fat kid inside. I was not the weirdo who was supposed to be ridiculed and laughed at. If I was a freak, it wouldn’t have hurt so much. The mud pit was my first cave. It was the first little death that taught me how cold the world could really be, and how I should never ever trust the people I was trying to be.   Baseball was a particularly strange element that made up the periodic table of my life’s beginnings. I was obsessed with baseball cards by the age of 8. I only know the year because of my collection. I st...

This was possibly the most significant thing I’ve ever done for myself and I had no expectations. Well, that might not be true. I had probably more negative expectations than neutral. I cannot overstate the intensity, and the familiarity of this experience. It is somehow related to both DMT hallucinations, dreams, and a few daydreams or visions I’ve had during periods of meditation and hypnosis, but I felt so much more present and conscious and sober. Through my breath, some subtle guidance, and an intention I met myself. I then fell in love with myself. The self, fell in love with me, and entered me. We talked, and then laughed and cried, and decided to do some work together. I am here, clearly, to protect and love other people. The way I usually do that is to try and help them in some way. But I have always neglected myself. And everyone sees this, and I know this. But I didn’t really even believe in myself. And that is somehow so much more meaningful and literal than it sounds. I wa...

broken Pinball serenade And the snappy one liners continue from the man upstairs.

If I was enough I wish I was home I wish I was home I wish I was Your favorite.... If I had no strings on me.